Could you be an ego-maniac and not realise it?
I am! This is not an over reaction, nor is it me being too hard on myself. My ego has been the overriding reason behind every self destructive thing I’ve ever done. And I have done some seriously messed up things. Do you ever think back over your life and think if you wrote it all down you could beat the Kardashians for insanity and drama?
I had a light bulb moment earlier today. A revelation of significant magnitude. Kayne West is an obvious example of an ego-manic. His ego depends on how powerful and respected he feels. Mine is dependent on how “good” I am. I’m such a good daughter, I’m such a loyal friend, I’m so helpful. That sort of thing. But when I look at the extents I go to to prove that to myself and others, it is insane. I am suffering from “martyrdom". I will literally put myself in harms way or do things that are damaging to myself to prove what a good person I am. I failed my own a-levels because I was helping my ex boyfriend revise for his. Not my ex now, my ex at the time! When my best friend was depressed and struggling with her uni work, I wrote her coursework for her, for a subject I wasn’t even studying. I took out a personal loan to help my dads business when we were struggling for money. And that’s not even the worst of it.
At the time I genuinely believed it was because I was one of those people who would do anything, ANYTHING, to help the people she loved. But looking back now, it’s just embarrassing. None of those things were helpful. My ex still failed his a-levels because he wasn’t interested in the course. My friend still didn’t complete her degree because she didn’t know the course material in the exams. My dad still had money problems with the business, the loan just delayed him seeing how bad it was. It didn’t do anything but give me the opportunity to tell everyone how nice I was. I’m sure they actually just thought I was a fool behind my back, and they would of been right.
I understand everyone has issues. I’ve been fully aware for some time that I have plenty of my own. But to finally see that all of those things came down to nothing but ego is.. well, hilarious. I have to laugh. I won’t go into detail but I have actually risked jail time, personal injury and financial risk for my bloody ego. That is insanity surely.
It also points out that my self esteem must be a lot lower than I realised. Like I said, embarrassing. But the revelation left me feeling extremely happy. I get it now. I am always bitching about how I do so much for people, and how everyone takes me for granted and no one would do the same for me… Of course they wouldn’t, because that would be crazy! I am a people pleaser of the worst variety. And to top it all off I actually feel like a dick for trying to make my behaviour pass for morality and good character. But I’m proud of my progress, I’ve learnt something new about myself that should put an end to this self destructive idiocy. Or at least make me think twice about my motivations for doing things.
Don’t get me wrong, I love being that person. It makes me happy. But there are some serious boundaries I need to put in place. And I need to stop using my good behaviour to boast about my own virtues *eye roll*. I hate when other people do that, I’m only just realising now I might be the worst offender.